Neil to Ian at 08:05:

I'm definitely going to do a heavy metal track this weekend but don't know what to make it about. Not sex, nor diy. The only feature I can decide on so far is that the rhymes have to be really poor. This decision influenced by the fact that the last verse of The Scrumpy Taverners managed to rhyme the word 'drunk' with itself.

Any ideas for a theme ? 

[Ian's thoughts : Well thank goodness for Zoo magazine. Now then, what's this - an email from Neil about a new song. Bastard - he's dissing my lyrics now]

Ian to Neil at 09:05:

Why not have your rock song a classic male female question and answer argument thing, like Fairytale of New York, the Pogues song? In the ROLC universe, it would be an argument about parking the car, or shopping at Waitrose. We can fembot it.

 Sort of like

M: I'm right about it, of that I'm sure
F: That's what you think
F: You're such a bore
M: You've put on weight and
M: wear rubbish clothes
F: You're cr3p in the sack
F: I can disclose 
 etc

[Neil's thoughts : He took a while to answer to that one - does Zoo magazine come out today ? But that's a good idea and fembot saves us the embarrassment of having to sing properly. Let's go with it.]

 Neil to Ian at 09:42:

 Fat Alvin v Fat Alice ? Good idea. Strangely I was thinking of a song that sounded like a Ted Nugent style hunter/gatherer person, killing his own food etc. But as the song progresses, it emerges he is in a Supermarket. So I'll tie that in with your idea.

Thinking further, this should be a Meatloaf style piece, he always duets with women well. The classic is "Paradise by the Dashboard light", where's he trying to get off with a girl. Maybe in ours, he should be negotiating with a hooker or some other typical male/female argument - where to go for the holidays, what school the kids should attend etc

[Ian's thoughts : Great, fembot again. If I can really get to grips with it, we'll never need Astrid again.]

 Ian to Neil at 09:47:

Surely, the argument should be about something totally dull. How about the time Amber chose a terrible colour to paint the front of our house, made me do all the undercoat and them changed her mind after 4 sodding weekends of ladder work? And the paint was from Farrow and Ball at £25 a tiny tin. How about an argument about the colour of a new car, say a mid-range Japanese 5 seater?

[Neil's thoughts : What is it about Ian and the Mazda 5 ? He must be jealous of it. What's Farrow and Ball ? I thought it was some make of cigarette]

 Neil to Ian at 09:52:

 Yes the topic would have to be dull - I'll have a think

Before Grace was born I had to paint her room yellow. But it was too acidy so Jane changed her mind and I had to do it again. That room had damn high ceilings and awkward coving.

[Ian's thoughts : Didn't I help them choose that colour ?]

 Ian to Neil at 10:35:

Sounds like a good subject for a song. How about one called "Shopping with the Girlfriend" When I was little I remember a crushingly dull day out buying curtain fabric with my mum. Awful. Set a benchmark for dull shopping expeditions. Here's a good title: "Dull Shopping Expeditions" Could be about paint, underwear, haberdashery, fence, anything really.

[Neil's thoughts : Have I put my foot in it ? Didn't Ian help choose the colour ? He won't remember]

 Neil to Ian at 10:58:

The shopping aspect could be the pair of them out to buy him some clothes (maybe for their wedding as she's pregnant ?)- he wants leather stuff, she wants him to get a suit as its time he grew up a bit

Him : I'm thinking leather
Her : You'll have linen
Him : With studs on the back
Her : And a paisley tie
Him : Don't dress me like your father
Her : You're not half the man he is
Him : Put him on a diet then
Her : I didn't mean that and you know it 

 Together : It's my day, my day. It's my day, not yours.

The only trouble about doing Meat Loaf stuff is that it has loads of different movements and you'd have to do twin-duelling guitars.

[Ian's thoughts  : Twin duelling guitars ? No problem. I'll upload a guitar part into Garageband and twinbot it. Better suggest some lyrics, to get my writing credit. And if I'm lucky, I can get another dig in about the Mazda]

Ian to Neil at 11:15:

M: I'd like something sporty
F: With 5 seats and a big boot
M: With a massive engine
F: But economical
M: In racing green
F: Or Silver with a hint of blue?
M: With a roll down roof
F: Can you get that on a Mazda 5?

It’s my car, my car, it’s my car, not yours.

 [Neil's thoughts  : The Mazda again - right, I'm ignoring those lines]

 Neil to Ian at 11:46:

 So it's got one verse about clothing, another about housing, another about cars etc etc

The typical format could be one verse by him about, for example, cars, then one by her about cars and then the chorus is the joint bit as below

Sorted. I'll do an example and send later.

[Ian's thoughts  : Already he's forgotten my Pogues idea. Better remind him]

 Ian to Neil at 11:55:

 I liked the middle 8 in the Pogues song where they sing alternately: "You scumbag" "You loser" etc

Could our version be more ROLC style? "You're always too tired" "You never cut the grass". Gonna get some grief about this one. But get grief anyway.

[Neil's thoughts  : I'd forgotten about that - good idea. I might start keeping these emails and put them on the site. He'll be in trouble if Amber finds them ....]

Neil to Ian at 12:02:

Yes, I'm thinking my demo verse will be about Summer holidays and replicate almost entirely the difference between my opinion and Jane's. Needless to say, we're going where she wants to.

[Ian's thoughts  : Sounds familiar]

 Ian to Neil at 12:35:

Interesting. I'm refusing to plan our Ireland trip properly, as if I give Amber a destination she'll find somewhere really expensive to stay. My plan is for a tour of Irish B+Bs with swirly carpets.

For her 50th birthday she's chosen a trip to a 'modern' hotel where we'll pay extra for the dubious privilege of sleeping under a tasteful taupe duvet and eating breakfast off square plates. 

[Neil's thoughts  : Better start suggesting some verses, before he sends anymore. Start off with a pleasantry]

 Neil to Ian at 12:43:

 I fancy Ireland sometime but I hear it can be expensive

[Him]
When we choose a holiday
I don't want you to preach
Sun and beer is what I want
And a sandy topless beach

[Her]
Good food and drinks and romantic walks
And lots of culture too
An air-conditioned hotel room
With a proper English loo

Chorus to come, but will be the same for each topic

[Ian's thoughts  : Better rattle another one off and I don't mean with Zoo magazine !]

 Ian to Neil at 12:55:

I don't mind if we slum it
Swirly carpets, lumpy beds
Travel should expand your mind
Not your overdraft and debts.

 [Neil's thoughts  : Good one, but I'll leave it out]

Neil to Ian at 14:05:

 It is quite autobiographical. The email conversation that preceded it is more damming though.

 I don't mind which vocal part I do - you fancy doing both ? 

 I'm going to try to make it quite Meatloaf like. I think I'll have 3 completely different stereo pairs running at the same time and all synchronised. They'll all have same bpm and represent different parts of the song - verse, chorus, instrumental etc - so that you can mix it first. It'll need samples on it (maybe starting off with a wedding service ?)