Another classic
NB: More explicit verses © Neil Wilson 2007 via Viz magazine, have been censored here as a number of our fans are minors. Lyrics available on request.
I got caught busking on the underground
In a walkway at Sloane Square
The judge did surprise me
His deal was quite fair.
He should it was in his power
To drop the massive fine
If I'd help tourists find the closest loo
In London at any time.
Chorus
He said:
I often have to cross my legs
I often have to hop around
Cos’ There aren’t any bloody public loos
In all of London town
So now . . . .
I takes me trusty guitar
Around this dirty ol' town
But when I'm busking, you can ask
Where the nearest loo is found:
Well! So I tell you . . . . . . .
At Kings Cross Station
If you need a wee
To wash your hands or have a dump
Is only 20p
Chorus
When caught short, just cross your legs
Try not to hop around
Cos' There aren't many public toilets
In the whole of London town
I'm often down Regent Street
Playing folk songs from the past
But what if your kids come up and say
I need the loo and fast!
Weeellll! So I'll tell them . . . . . . .
The cubicles in Hamleys
Are just past the model planes
Go though the Barbie Section
Past transformers and the trains.
Chorus
In Oxford Street I play
Beatles and Rolling Stones
But If I'm asked by the Lunchtime crowd
Quick! Where's the nearest throne?
Weeellll! I'll tell them . . . . . . .
If caught short in the Centre
You will not come to harm
In a Macdonalds, Or Oxford Street's
Old Rathbone Arms
Chorus
If I’m singing on Bond Street
And you ask where the place to do your do is
I always say why not stroll around to
The toilets of John Lewis
But I say . . . . . . .
If caught short in Soho
Beat a hasty retreat
It's not wise to use the gentleman's
When in Compton Street
Chorus
I often sing old show tunes
At Kensington Underground
Where smartly-dressed ladies ask
Pray: where may the loo be found?
Weeellll! So I tells them . . . . . . .
The toilets in Harrod’s
Are on the very top floor
Frangranced soaps and soft hand towels
And carved mahogony doors
Chorus
It’s like a public service
Helping people find their way
To a comfy room or cubicle
Throughout the night and day.
And if you’re feeling grateful
When the pressure is relieved
Just pass me by and bless my ol tin cup
With a shiny 50p.