And I know I ain't alone
But I didn't realise how bad it was
Til I reached 50 stone
Cos all that I look at
And this can’t be good
All the things in the world
Just remind me of food.
I ain’t no drinker
And I don’t visit whores
I go to Church regular
And help Mum out with the chores.
And when I see skyscrapers
I don’t see blocks of flats
To me they just look like
Massive upright KitKats
Some friends came a visiting
And they brought their dachshund
I imagined me eating it
In a sesame seed bun
I ain’t had a cigarette
Or tried drugs for fun
But my Maker is calling me
Cos I weigh half a tonne
Violin solo – a mix of Paganini and Kennedy, I call it Kennanini.
I ain’t no drinker
And I don’t visit whores
I go to Church regular
And help Mum out with the chores.
The pills that they give me
Help my heart keep on ticking
But the reason I take them
Is they taste like fried chicken
My funeral will be well attended
But you shouldn’t be laughing
Cos most of the people
Will have been carrying my coffin.
I ain’t had a cigarette
Or tried drugs for fun
But my Maker is calling me
Cos I weigh half a tonne
Lost Verses :-
I look out the window
Of my hospital room
Looking like a fine biscuit
Is the beautiful moon.
And the sea sure is beautiful
But for me it’s no joke
Cos I can’t help wishing
It was a nice frothy coke.
I’m prescribed Ovaltine and Viagra
The reason being, it is said
The one helps me sleeping
T’other stops me rolling out of bed