GLOSSARY OF COMMONLY USED TERMS

11 - the volume of which Nigel Tufnell's amplifier is capable and the number of notes in an octave typically unused by Neil.

99p - mythical price of all ROLC recordings. Referred to as 'mythical' because Neil has never ever received any of it.

Autotune - a vital piece of software, converting badly sung, out of tune vocals into just badly sung vocals.

Astrid - spends a lot of time in the studio, sometimes to sing but more often to dust or hoover.

Ancient Dawn of the Crystal Dolphin Stones (the Aborigine returns) - generic title for any new age music we produce, the words "stone" "ancient" "dawn" "dolphin" "crystal" "aboriginal" to be used in any combination or permutation.

B minor, F sharp: Chords rarely used by band members. Neil sometime tries to throw one in, but Ian generally ignores them, as they're a bit hard.

Bass - Occasional lower frequency, usually played by Ian initially, but subsequently removed or obscured in the mix via the Cillit Bang process.

Bass guitar - musical instrument, as in the very occasional comment "some members of the band just aren't good enough at playing the bass". One of the few "real" instruments currently being used, requiring both "tuning" and "practice".

Before we met those bitches - early title of a compilation album containing early songs from the embryonic Rolf members. The title was subsequently changed to "Before we were famous", which certainly helps to improve family harmony.

Best Guitarist League - table down which Ian regularly tumbles

Bothy - Shed, or grim stone hut. Unconnected with anything on the register of "The Mountain Bothy Association" a semi-secret collection of grim stone huts for mountaineers to stay in in Scotland. Semi secret, they say, to stop anyone staying in them.

Black notes - unnecessary accessory on Neil's keyboards, typically covered in a fine layer of dust.

Ben Temple - floppy haired manager. A tw@t.

Bottle Recycling - government sponsored policy designed to hide visual evidence of the extent of our "compositional" requirements.

Busy weekend - a selection of non-Rolc related activities, that tear the band away from their compositional duties, thus disappointing both the other band members and our eager audience. (See entry for 'fans'). Tasks are usually garden or garage-related, with occasional urgent trips to purchase ziplock bags and window envelopes. See entry for 'wife'. 

Cillit Bang - the Magix software that enables us to enhance our recordings by tweaking the EQ, adding a hint of reverb and removing Ian's "1 2 3 4" at the start of each and every damned song

DarNeilIan - band devised online on mShaker with egocentric Bulgarian techno-whizz Daniel. His poor English is sadly exposed by Ian's quietly mumbled lyrics about spending time "dating", artificial women. The track in question, "23 days", has been posted on websites worldwide, even Chinese YouTube, by the poor unwitting sap.

DerNeilIan  - UK based tribute to DarNeilIan, based around middle England session musicians Derek Shaw [organ, synths, vocoder, guitar (acoustic and electric), bass, vocals and drums] , Neil Dudman [bhodran] & Ian Birnett [triangle].

The Drummer - the Korg

E minor - a very popular scale of late, mainly to justify the expense of the HAPI drum. Can easily be confused with E major, thus enabling us to pull the wool over the eyes of non-musical therapists.

Ebow - guitar device, capable of producing lengthy sustained notes. Invented by Duracell

Ebay - source of Ian's collection of "Classic" instruments. Not related to "ebow" - an instrument only available on ebay

Estlin's Recordings - a vanity recording operation set up by the various children of Hertfordshire's own wax supremo, David Estlin. Currently holder of an exclusive contract to own and promote for all perpetuitity all of Rolc's musical output - a task they carry out without enthusiasm or ability, it seems.

Fan - either a hand operated paper and bamboo air recirculation device, commonly believed to have originated in the Far East or an electrical rotary motor fitted with opposed blades that cause rapid air movement. Not related to 'rapid eye movement', the name of a band that Ian joined only to find that there was a US based band with a similar name, REM,  causing a quick name change to "Puzzled but Dancing". Wonder whatever happened to that American band?

Fembot - Mac based software used for female vocals when Astrid is in a strop and The Golden Hummers are away visiting Emily in Sidmouth.

Fat Alvin - Vagrant singer first encountered begging outside The Bake 'n' Take in Bristol. Made his debut singing on self-penned ballad 'Obesity' and followed it with 'The Joy of Cakes'. Can usually be persuaded to contribute vocals to any piece in return for a bottle of Gin, a pasty and the chance to tell you about his latest favourite cocktail.

Free downloads - either songs available at the relatively minimal, or "free" price of 99p, or a button that leads to an unconnected page on the Reverb Nation website.

Generic song: non-specific piece that can be easily adapted to fit any other subject.

Golden Hummers - Clutton based group, based around a collective of female pensioners. Can usually be persuaded to contribute vocals to any piece in return for a cup of tea, a biscuit and the chance to tell you about their latest surgical procedure.

Groupies - phenomenon experienced within the ROLF Universe as rarely as 'Middle Eights' and 'eagerly awaited live bass solos'

Garageband - Mac based software that assists the song writing process by dragging and dropping loops. Advanced users sometimes also cut and paste.

Grog Rock - a unique sub genre of rock, played at night by people who are totally smashed. Usually at weekends or Friday evenings.

Glissando guitar - spacey guitar device invented by Sid Barrett and Daevid Allen, using a bewildering array of effects pedals, leads and gynaecological tools. Economically replicated by Ian with a single Boss pedal and cutlery received as a Wedding present.

Griff Tyndall - imagined ROLC guitarist designed solely to relegate Ian further down the 'best guitarist' league.

Griff Tyndall's brother - the brother of imagined ROLC guitarist Griff Tyndall.

Griff Tyndall's mother - the mother of imagined ROLC guitarist Griff Tyndall and his brother. Cooks a mean Shepherd's Pie and is renowned locally for abilty to provide taxi servies for various teenagers.

Harmony - origins or meaning unknown.

Hijack - the process of reducing the volume of the other member's musical twiddling until almost inaudible. Usually accompanied by the phrase 'it was a bit hissy' or 'I think it deserves a song in its own right'.

HAPI drum - cheap alternative to the Hang Drum. Neil's second foray into buying instruments for the musically challenged. Allows him to play all notes perfectly but can do little to fix his dreadful thumb blisters. Neil is tragically pleased to have released the world's first HAPI drum cd, an enthusiasm not yet shared by the compilers of the Guinness Book of Records.

Hapi thumb - medical condition bought on by playing the Hapi drum late into the night. Less debilitating and sexually frustrating than 'Hapi Testicle' or 'Hapi Fanny'.

Ian - once thought to be the singer of the band until Fat Alvin submitted his CV through Neil's front window, attached to a brick. Never uses AutoTune. Ever. Guitars, bass, vocals and smutty lyrics.

Ian Middleton's [insert name of instrument here] Moods - proposed title of first cd to be released, whenever Ian adds to his sonic arsenal. For example "Ian Middleton's Tambourine Moods". 

In the post - boastful term used to quantify and describe the musical output of approximately 20 minutes of the previous evenings activity. If heard after a period  of lengthy "candle selling", it is usually deemed a sham, particularly if swiftly followed by the phrase 'fecking Royal Mail, that was the only copy I had'.

Jah Wobble remix: a bass heavy version of any track, usually produced in secret by Ian and not distributed, or ever referred to. Named after the four-string maestro, who is the only modern bassist with his own band, and thereby able to have his bass work as high in the mix as HE DAMN WELL FELT LIKE, irrespective of other people's opinions or preferences.  A 'Jah Wobble remix' can be returned to normal levels by processing through the Cillit Bang process, which restores the levels of keyboard, synth or Hapi  tracks to their default settings of "slightly too loud"  and " a bit hissy".

Keynsham Majestik - Bristol's tidiest entertainment venue.

Logic Pro - high maintenance big brother of Garage Band. Optimises reduction of bass and vocal frequencies. Essential for egotistical keyboard players and well worth the effort.

Love song - a strange anomalous piece of music with accompanying words, that attempts to describe an emotion or feeling about another person.  It is said that 75% of all songs written on the planet are these "love" songs, but they're quite rare in the world of Rolf, as we occupy ourselves with loftier lyrics, such as bragging about sexual prowess or computing power. Occasionally a love song may surface here, but we're quite diffident about them really. Not surprising in a group that in a very early song accused a cheating wife or "not having the brains to understand".

Lyrics - meaningless string of words, usually written on a Monday morning. Sometimes rude and frequently using phrases 'lady garden' and 'thingy harden'

Live recording - using Magix software to merge a reverb heavy mix of our music with a backing track of manic applause and cheers. Independent volume control allows Neil to raise the level of applause during his keyboard parts but then cruelly remove it during Ian's extended bass solos.

Mazda 5 - vehicle with zero pulling power used by Neil to sneak his new musical purchases home.

MicroBR - the £139 musical recording device capable of totally causing men to abandon their families, usually at weekends or Friday evenings. Currently on loan to the elder daughter's bassist boyfriend in the hope that he will further relegate Ian down one of the instrument playing tables, which is unlikely, given the general fecklessness of youth. Expect the Micro BR returned, smashed, in 2 years time. Covered in sick.

Megaupload - an essential part of our recording technology. Quick, free file transfer, but don't click on any of the pop-ups until everyone's out of the house and you have a supply of tissues to hand

Mowing the lawn - term used by Neil to dissuade Ian from suggesting another wasted day of musical steaming.

MrSite - software used by Ian and Neil to enable the distribution of music to the fans. Unlikely to be cost effective until fans outnumber band members, an event predicted to occur towards the end of May 2010.

Musical multitasking - a skillset required by musicians who wish to perform live. The skills required run a gamut from: "playing while moving a round a bit", to "playing and smiling and moving around a bit", culminating in "advanced musical multitasking" which might include playing an instrument and either mouthing words at the same time as the music is played (as on Top of the Pops and music videos), or indeed actual "singing" while an instrument is played simultaneously. Advanced musical multi-tasking is usually only attempted by very, very skilled musicians. Best only attempted on a Friday night in front of highly inebriated audiences with low level of musical appreciation.

Neil - once thought to be the genius behind the band until Ian had a go on the Korg and realised that it takes nothing more than a few button presses to make great songs. Neil would sing for ROLC if the processor on his Mac was powerful enough to Autotune his wildly random howlings. Plays Keyboards, Omnichord and HAPI drum, after a fashion.

Neil and the Band - term used by Americans when referring to the Korg

Neil Wilson's Into the Hive (by Neil Wilson) - title for Neil's first prog rock epic. 4 unrelated movements about bees and wasps. Neil was inspired to create this piece when he discovered that bees fed on Twiglets produce Marmite.

Neil Wilson's "Earth World Planet" (by Neil Wilson) - title for Neil's second prog rock epic. 8 unrelated movements about the Continents. Ian's original title was to be Neil Wilson's "In Continent" until Neil realised it might be a hint to his lack of bladder control. Includes bonus track 'Atlantis' for subscribers. 99p, for each track, or the complete piece for a whopping £1.70.

Neil Wilson Dreams of .....[insert subject here] - proposed series of solo pieces performed entirely by Neil, initially as a response to Ian's continually growing "Moods" series. Best achieved by refusing to send megauploads and claiming the cd is 'lost in the post'

OmniChord - Neil's first foray into buying instruments for the musically challenged. Allows him to play all chords perfectly but can do little to fix his dreadful sense of rhythm.

Pat Metheny/Lyle Mays - rival guitar/keyboard combo who rely on Synclavier keyboards and Ethernet cables for their collaborations. A poor match for our Boss 8 tracks and Royal Mail process.

Piggyback - while a 'Hijack' is usually composed with the sole intent of reducing the compositional input of a fellow band member. a 'Piggyback' will  attempt to f*ck off those members of Planet Earth who feel compelled to display their minimal, dismal talents on YouTube.

Pope-Mobile : Hertford endorsed vehicle to assist with the transportation of musical instruments of a shorter length. The Kazoo or Triangle, for example. For all other instruments (foe example, anything longer than a Ukelele), see 'Mazda 5'.

Random Ambient - technology involving 3 Ipods and 1 speaker that distances Neil even further from the composition process. £400 well spent.

Richard 'Axe' Asquith - guitarist (currently inactive) but rumoured to be keen to take up residency as 'best guitarist' if the pension and luncheon voucher terms are right.

RhymeZone - our unofficial lyric partner. Offers little to rhyme with 'Mazda' but comes up trumps with 'er3ction' and 'thingy harden'.

ReverbNation - website allowing us to create alternative bands and big each other up. Currently home to 'Wilbert & Middlevan', 'Polarity Station', 'Musique Brulee', 'Melowwwdrome' and 'Les Hommes Sexuelles'. Despite it's zero cost, Neil still demands £1.25 off Ian every month for 'maintenance and storage fees'.

Rollin Jake McGhee - slack-jawed crooner from Chertsey. Very popular in the Monkton Combe area. Only sings about railroads.

Scrumpy Taverners - worryingly violent group of musical no-hopers from "the villages". To be avoided at all costs.

SD Cards - A vital part of the ROLC universe, facilitating the transfer of data via post. We've coined the term "e-mail" for this, as it is Electronic data (E) sent via the Post (mail)

Steam - if we feel we're not working fast enough, we sometimes choose to bypass the Royal Mail and send files via the Internet in the hope that we can produce a song from start to finish in less time than, say, our wives can trawl round Tesco or a fellow band member can find 'inspiration' in the centre pages of Zoo magazine.

Stickle Brick - slack loop-based technique employed by Neil to produce 30 minute songs in less than quarter of an hour.

Talisker - Neil's tipple of choice when 'Tesco Value Islay' is out of stock

Tesco Value Islay - surprisingly decent single malt whisky for budget-minded alcoholics.

This weekend I intend to .... - advanced-warning phrase coined to prevent fellow band members from requesting steam based assistance to their imminent shoddy musical endeavours.

Tomahawk Apache - world music vocal group initially keen to work with Neil and Ian, but less so when they heard some of our music.

Trademark guitar sound - term used by Ian to suggest he can reproduce any of his guitar sounds at will.

USB interface - piece of shoddily made Taiwanese hardware that facilitates the addition of Ian's equally shoddy musical ramblings to any of Neil's WAV based recordings